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So Long and Thanks for All the Fish: A Mediation on Losing

(I know this is Neil deGrasse Tyson. You should too)


Loss, growth, moving forward, and acknowledging the emotions that come with each of these items are the central mediations for this week’s post. Often when discussing loss, it can feel like grieving is allowed only for situations outside of our control. Death, disaster, even a break-up. It’s totally acceptable to grieve these occurrences but grief in loss associated with personal and/or professional growth is glossed over.

In such instances, it seems moving on should come with relative ease. One really isn’t supposed to be perturbed. I think that’s trash and here’s why.

I’ve always heard “you’ll be surprised who leaves you as you move in life.”

“Nah, I'm not going to be surprised by that because that’s not going to happen to me,” I thought, basking in the glow of youthful naivety and hubris.

I've always kept a very close circle. I’m very loyal to people in that circle. The circle pod does not include a lot of people. I love and deeply care about each of them. I’m an ear for them. I’m supportive in any appropriate way I can be. People often describe “supportive” as unconditional and emphatic enthusiasm and praise for all the choices, decisions, and actions they make or do.

Supporting one another is a delicate balance of that wild enthusiasm and a responsible level of honesty. Critique is vital to progression. It should be done in love and nonjudgmental in nature but needs to happen. This is the type of support I offer. Very honest, minimal sugar coating. I focus on respect when I critique and I know I don’t have all the answers. They deserve that from me.

That’s the loyalty I give and hope to receive.

But, dear readers, that is a digression. I didn't do it last post and I know you missed it so here it is 👐🏾✨

I thought it was very possible to advance in life and not lose anyone along the way. I figured people that did just had poor interpersonal skills. Which for some, can be the case. However, sometimes it just happens.

I always thought it was (please read with your “stank-est” voice) “Anybody can get off,” "I'm quick to erase folks,“ or simply "snip snip!"

As the ever charming, chart-topping, regular degular, never cold, wasshpoppin’ Sis. Cardi B has boldly proclaimed “I’m quick to cut a … off so don’t get comfortable” (you all know Bodak Yellow don’t play!).

The person who is moving upward and onward in life is portrayed as initiating the removal process and therefore feel no loss. But that feels one-sided and inaccurate.

People occasionally just remove themselves from you. They will have a problem with you and ✌🏾. In some cases, this can happen when they see your growth. Your evolution can make them uncomfortable. Anything can become an out. They want to “exclude themselves from your narrative.” I feel like this is coming off waay more pompous than I want it to because this is still a loss.

This is still a very blue feeling.

So they exit. And you are left to deal. It might have caught you off guard, but this is really when you have to look at yourself.

Loss of this nature always warrants reflection. It’s a time for evaluation and self awareness work. So you do it. You put in earnest effort. You make introspection your third job. You research it, talk to everyone about it, cry about it, write about it. You take your WHOLE seat at the table, and yet you can’t come up with anything.

That’s when you really have to evaluate and consider growth. If nothing else comes up, you know. From time to time, you know on the front end this is what’s happening. But you still need to investigate. One can’t be so — (now activating stank-est voice) — “I’m so awesome,” “I’m so lit they can’t take my light” Real thought is necessary.

Whether you're getting jobs, homes, running a brand, maintaining the things you have, whatever thing you do that you're proud of, you're doing something and somebody is leaving your life because they don’t like it or decide they just don’t want to be around. Some other thing could also be going on with them as an individual that motivates such behavior which is fine. The point is it happens.

I have to apologize, dear reader. I feel that I keep repeating myself and going in circles with this topic. Please forgive me. I’m having a hard time understanding and I believe this post is it’s own form of self reflection meant to have a therapeutic effect. I’m also shocked because I didn’t plan on this happening to me period, let alone now. Nobody does really (except the wise because let’s face it they know everything).

I guess that’s the reason it happened

Now that I know for myself (which is an important distinction and probably another post topic), I won’t be AS surprised or offended when it happens again.

I would be remise if I didn't shout out the people around me. My little pod of family and friends have been wonderful. While I’m sorry for the loss of those that no longer want to be part of it, I'm exceedingly grateful for those that do. We all really just need each other, especially now.

This new life space/dog-on-a-leash-taking-itself-for-a-walk journey I’m on has brought a lot of new people. It’s revealed new networks. I’m finding points of commonality with people I’ve known circuitously for years but haven't really made connection. Plenty of doors are opening are opening and it’s great. I just didn't think the draft from those openings would be strong enough to close some others.

So there’s that. I really struggled with this post because the subject matter is so personal. However, I’m glad to share it with you and eager to hear your experiences and perceptions on the topic. My vision is for these posts to become dialogues wherein we exchange quality content. Also I, unlike Drake, could use a few new friends.


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