YAKWGO: A Meditation on Knowing
I love the internet. It's an awful place but I cannot imagine being anywhere else. The things I find here are amazing, especially the memes. (if you say "me-me" or "mehm-e" or anything other than "MEHEEM," here’s your opportunity to change)
Everyone has a meme type. Some people are into gifs, pic grids, or simply a good ol' screenshot. I don't care about format so long as they are super referential and multi dimensional. I'm particularly fond of acronym memes. They reference common phrases or other memes. They are also a commentary on "text-speak" and our societal obsession with shortening speech. On a personal level, I default to saving my files like "nov pftdaa d1.” Since the floppy 3-1/2-A days, I’ve held a very hair-brained theory that forcing myself to remember what the letters stand for makes me smarter. IN E WAZE.
Acronym memes por exemplo: "SYJGBMABGTMBPOMBTMBPWABG" alludes to the Loiter Squad Real Housewives skit.
"IANHNSMATTTYHSMATSWIFWYHMWGABTBTWYTMAIBICIANHNDMLY" represents the iconic chorus of the Bow Wow and Ciara duet Like You. (which is it's own meme - try to say it in one breath!)
The acronym meme I choose for the central meditation of this much delayed and belabored post is "YAKWGO"
You Already Know What's Going On
Y'all may have forgotten in the mist of the second longest #FTDAA✒️ hiatus, but I love writing what you might be thinking while reading my work. My therapist might say that's my control issues but I say it's a fun way to add dialogue to rather one-sided missives.
*clears throat*
"AVERY. Where have you been? We've wanted your writings and tbh we're not sure why because you are verbose and your references are too niche to be enjoyed by everyone. Just say what you're trying to say."
Dear reader (wow I've missed that), you might not actually know what's going on but I have for a while. I've also been running from it but I'm here to face it to move past it.
I've been trying to write for 3 months. My last post came on the eve of my first anniversary in business. I had a cute casual Sunday evening scene to celebrate the milestone.
On the lowest of keys I knew it would be a while until I published again. I was booked and busy. "After the party I'll have more time," I said. LOL. I’ve only gone into hyper mode since. Last week was the first time I actually counted and I am currently responsible for six different client accounts. Six. DIFFERENT. One human and her laptop.
If it weren't for my edges and spotify account I don't know what I would do. Being booked and busy is never a problem, unless it's keeping you from realizing you are a human and need to do things to maintain your life.
YAKWGO
There are drafts of posts about things like not doing everything by yourself, the importance of taking breaks, and controlling everything. Reading through them in the chilly November night to the moody crooning of our 2nd greatest Canadian import, Abel "The Weeknd" Tesfaye, it's clear these quarter written missives were cries for help. My subconscious was creatively wailing from the deep place into which I stuff the feelings that do not align with my Big Capricorn Energy.
I was drained and afraid and it wasn't going to get better unless something changed. I wasn't trying to hear it. I already knew what was going on.
I was going to posture as an authority and write about it from that perspective and that would fix the problem. Solange already told me very daintily and artily that it wouldn't work but I didn't believe because that takes the power away from me and I refuse.
I have been humbled. Forces with energy far bigger than mine have been showing out in my and my loved ones personal and professional lives. I feel a little like the Brain at the end of the night when he and Pinky didn't take over the world.
I was going to soldier on with my scheme to pretend everything is fine because nobody LIKES feeling weak (no shade if you do). I especially hate it because 1 - I'm a modern working woman of the 1990s and 2 - that whole "strong black woman"/"2x better to get half" thing really did a number on me. But I'm vulnerable.
I thought maybe I’d lost my touch or like that thing people who exercise say about exercise. My wrongness on that front hit me during a staff meeting at one of my jobs. We were given all sorts of fun and cute Halloweeny things with which to decorate a treat bag for a coworker we selected from a hat. We had 15 minutes of open creativity and I panicked.
I thought "nope I am not ready for this. I cannot be trusted to handle a glue stick right now!" Everyone was busting out real cute spooky things and all I managed to do was draw a stylized spider web and make a really bad Life Size joke.
Going back to my desk with my Halloween bag of creative shame, I realized it wasn't a creative slump. That was merely a symptom of over extending myself professionally and emotionally and not dealing with it. I didn't deal with it because I don't value myself or my accomplishments as I should. But guess what the kid is doing now, OK?!
YAKWGO
I couldn't finish those posts because I didn't believe in them. I was preaching to the choir and I was the choir and I already knew ~1200 words wouldn't be a remedy. Y'all my people and I can't lie to my people. That goes against all the fake rules I've made up for this digital social contract.
The best thing that has come about from this whole ordeal of not producing and imploding is the shedding of pretense. I can't do it all by myself nor should I. It's ok I didn't create written content for 96 days. It's not like I'm applying for a K1 visa.
I'm booked and busy! I need help. I need to assemble a team to do all that I do as a one-woman operation. I need to develop myself as person with passion tantamount to that with which I develop and execute strategic communications and branding plans or else my business will suffer.
I love my work and would do anything for it but let it ruin me.
I tend to get on a soapbox in these posts but I don't have a "message" for you. A takeaway I guess could be listen to yourself because you already know what’s going on. Trust the voice of the things you create. Really study them and look for patterns. Heed what it is telling you. Treat yourself gently. You don’t have to be on 1000 all the time. Regroup and stunt on everyone. YAKWGO.
At the time of publication, I still don't feel 100% but I probably never will because I never have. I usually shoot for a 93 which is a solid A. I’m taking a break in December by focusing on my 3 primary accounts and making myself and my business a priority client. This might mean more consistent content and a fully fleshed out plan for grant writing and the summer internship I'm offering but most likely it means me engaging memes, hot beverages, and trap music in my winter coat.
